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41 days

So apparently it has been that long since my last post. 41 days. That is not good and I’m not happy about it. 

I made this blog with the intentions of finally keeping to something and gaining new friends and acquaintances in the process but so far, it’s not so different. I believe this is the longest I’ve kept a blog but I still don’t have much activity. 

I keep making promises to post a certain amount per week and to blog about different things but honestly, it’s harder than it seems. 

It’s time to make a change. A big one. I’m not making any promises but my plan is to change my mindset. Not to post more, not to workout more, not to eat healthier. No. My plan is to change the way I think. 

I dream all the time. Literally, I’m dreaming and living different lifestyles in my head everyday. But I don’t do any of those things. I have said too many times that I was going to step out of my comfort zone only to have something come up and I allowed it to become my excuse of why I didn’t follow through with it. I want to stop doing that. 

I want to live and experience. In my position right now, it’s so difficult to do that, but! I want to change my mind and get out there. I’m tired of living in poverty but I have to be honest with myself and admit that change, the process of getting out of poverty, the risks, while they excite me for the good future, they frighten me for the biggest “what if” of all: what if I fail at everything? What if I never become successful? What if I am one of the people who are just meant to dream and never live?

As I am writing this, I hear my angels telling me that’s nothing but the devil getting into my head and trying to keep me down. Which I believe. But it still is frightening. I have tried so many times before and honestly, I am an impatient person. 

My next words, well thoughts were pondered on. I wondered if I should be honest and put my thoughts here but I decided doing so will be my first time (in a long time) of stepping out of my comfort zone. So here it goes. 

I have thought many times of going down the wrong path, finding a sugar daddy, becoming friends with pot dealers, he’ll I even thought of selling drugs myself, anything to get out of this poverty and support my family. Every time  I truly consider it though, I thankfully come back to earth and realize I don’t want that. I want to work for my success. I remind myself that cash is not everything. It helps out a hell of a lot to have a comfortable amount of cash at your disposal but it doesn’t make one happy. And that’s what I want, happiness. That is my ultimate wish, my ultimate goal. Along with financial stability for myself, family, and future family but I want happiness. That’s what really makes life worth living. 

It feels good to get this out. I talk to my family about these thoughts every now and then but here, it makes me feel like I’ve finally let go of some weight. 

Well, I am done with my thoughts for now. I have many plans to still accomplish but I will stop here. 

God bless you all, stay true to yourself, try to stay humble, keep smiling, live happy, and try to be a good person.

Shai. 

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