Battling Life and Being Put to the Test

Hey guys! Back with another post. This one is more of a reflection post. I wrote this around June 29th if this year and never posted it because I didn’t want to be thought of as broken or whining and spoiled.

However, now that I’m maturing more and have moved up another level, I don’t care what people think when they read this. It’s how I was feeling at the time and my feelings are very valid.

The way I handled the situation could have been better but that’s what learning is all about! So here is this weeks blog post, written and drafted on June 29th, 2019.

What a Monday it is. I haven’t posted a blog in a while again and I’m not going to apologize this time. Why? Because up to this point, it keeps happening. I can only apologize so much before I’m crying wolf.

However, I do have another valid reason for my negligence to this blog. Not an excuse by any means, but a valid reason.

I’m currently homeless. Since June 10th, I’ve been living in hotels and my truck. I posted the short version of today’s post on Instagram, if you want to check that out.

I moved out here with my family in 2003. I was 11 years old, turning 12. I left all my friends, my school, my comfort of Vallejo and journeyed to Las Vegas only to end up homeless for the first 3 months. From October 15th to the first or second week of December, we lived in our van and motels/hotels and anything else in between.

The difference from then and now is that we had family to provide for us on days that we needed help. My grandparents were also around and were able to help us. Now, we have none of that. My grandparents, as you know, have passed away and my family is so divided I can barely remember my cousins birthdays.

The situation is funny in a very ironic way. We have three incomes this time, so we aren’t broke. My dad has social security, my mother has a job, I have a job(on top of this blog now! I’ll save that story for another post). The thing that makes it funny is that we had a place to stay, we had the money to move in and afford it, but the business we were working with we scammers. They continually pushed the move in date back and we had to put our stuff up in a storage, had to put our doggy in boarding, and had to get hotels to stay safe. Then our money depleted and we couldn’t move in.

I get mad just thinking about the situation. However, I’m doing my best to stay positive and let the past go. What happened has happened.

Battling depression

The reason I mentioned how we were homeless back in 2003 is because it was very traumatic for me as a pre teen. I was suicidal, depressed, bi polar, dealing with puberty, poverty, my family was always fighting and arguing. Basically my teen years were so horrible that I forced myself to forget them. Unfortunately I forgot a lot of the good things too. Yes, it was that bad for me.

Being in this situation now triggered those memories. After feeling so freed and over those pains, I was sent back to the very thing that caused me so much pain. I’m not depressed anymore, but the first two weeks of living like this, currently, I was a mess. I cried every day and night, I questioned God countless times, I was questioning my purpose in life, if I was ever meant to be anything other than mediocre and basic. I was a wreck.

But with the strength that I developed through Fasting and with my sister, Elisabeth, I managed to stay strong with this situation. I battled my depression by talking to God daily. Throughout the day. I spoke aloud good and positive things over my life. Yes, I still have panic and anxiety attacks during all of this but I’m doing a lot better than the first two weeks.

Wow, looking back on that my mindset was very unstable and unhealthy. The thing is that I’ve still had moments like these. Literally my last moment was almost two weeks ago. I’m definitely growing and learning but sometimes I worry that the pace is too slow.

Well, life is a journey after all. Looking back on this makes me realize I have really started to apply my lessons to my situations (after my last breakdown) and it shows! I’m much happier, I’m feeling better spiritually and emotionally and mentally. A beautiful scripture that this journal makes me think of is